i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
