ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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