watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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