im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
