I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
