I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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