So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
