he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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