Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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