Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Boobs speak an international language.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
