i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
