Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
