I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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