I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
