I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
