i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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