i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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