I wish I only lived at night.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
