I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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