i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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