Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
