He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
