I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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