you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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