Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
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