Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize