turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
