turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
