Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize