shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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