Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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