just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
