the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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