lets start a swedish sibling band together
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
