My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
