Will you blow on my dice?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
