my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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