i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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