hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
This is my gift to your gina
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
