How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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