There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
