I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
