I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
