then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Boobs speak an international language.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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