i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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