Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
