dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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