My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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