2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
