dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
