ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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