then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
