i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
