Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
