Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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