I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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