sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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