Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
