If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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