I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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