The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
