I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
